So here’s the deal. There are monkeys and they have laser guns disguised as bananas. Don’t ask me how I know, I just know. It’s like just knowing that it’s going to rain, or just knowing that the weird guy who bags your groceries is probably a serial killer and no one has caught him yet, but you just smile and look the other way and shake your head while you mumble, “No, I don’t need help out with my bags, but thank you. Please let go of my rutabaga.”
How did I come to this conclusion about the monkeys, you ask (or probably would). Well, I can’t tell you, because if I told you then my cover would be blown and all hell would break loose. Just trust me when I say that they are out there and they are effin’ serious, man.
Right about now you’re probably thinking that I’m just being wacky, because the essence of this blog is basically stream-of-consciousness babble, usually to do with flan or something very much like flan. But listen to me when I say that the only defense against these terrifying, and terrifyingly cute, fruit-laser wielding primates is to join the resistance!
First, buy all the bananas you can (to keep them from modifying them into laser pistols and enlarging their weapons stock.) Second, eat the bananas (see first parenthetical for reasoning). Third, if you are in the zoo DO NOT tease the monkeys – it only emboldens their resolve. Finally, brush your teeth after every meal and wash your face before bedtime (because good hygiene seriously throws them off – I mean c’mon, they throw POO, people!).
To prove that I’m not kidding about the monkeys with laser bananas threat, I have included a photo that I took at incredible risk to my safety – that is NOT actually a picture of a plush monkey with a banana that has a laser pointer taped to it…
Vive La Resistance!!