So for the last several nights I’ve been dealing with various categories of insomnia. From the “why is it taking me so long to fall asleep, this is really annoying”, to “how nice to see the sunrise after I’ve spent the entire night staring out the window, watching movements of the stars, trying not to feel both insignificant and increasingly pissed off.” And I’ve come to a realization (and no, it’s not that sentences shouldn’t be started with the word “and”, I know that… but sometimes it just works, so back off grammar trolls); I’ve realized that insomnia is not a debilitating condition that causes you to go progressively nuts from lack of sleep – but it is, in fact, a cunning form of self-defense… against the zombies.

Seriously! Think about it! If you’re all snuggly and sleeping when the zombie apocalypse comes, how can you defend yourself against the undead hordes?! Exactly. Mother Nature has given us lucky few humans the built-in defensive tool of insomnia so that WHEN the zombies do attack – and they will eventually, it’s only a matter of time before an unpaid intern at a major pharmaceutical company mixes the wrong shit together and, next thing you know, Mormon housewives dutifully taking their next dose of anti-depressants, will suddenly begin eating their many, many, children and then it’s all over.

Where was I?

Right! Insomnia as defense!

Okay, so helping us to be awake at the time of the “ZomPocolypse” term (c)-2011 Jen Tidwell, is only one way that insomnia serves as a survival tool! If you suffer from insomnia long enough, you even begin to ACT like a zombie!! What with the dead expression, shuffling feet, pale complexion and groaning in lieu of speech you’d be able to “blend in” with the infected masses who will IGNORE YOU because they will think you’re one of them! Boo-yah!

The only downside is that once you’ve reached this stage of drooling incoherence, fellow survivalists may mistake you for an actual zombie and attempt to remove your brain via decapitation, bludgeoning, skilled archery or sniper rifle (possibly also a shovel or cricket bat). So it will be very important for you to remember to wear a sign around your neck reading, “Not a zombie, just an insomniac” as means to deter the well-meaning homicidal maniacs.

Remember to wear one of these.

So the next time you’re lying awake in bed for hours, growing increasingly agitated with the not-sleep, just remember, Mother Nature is just preparing you for the inevitable.

Thanks, Momma Nat.